So, just what the heck is it with car manufacturers and their useless innovations? Ok so I now take cup holders and electric seats for granted. And whilst I might whinge a bit about Nigel SatNav, I wouldn’t be without his patronising tones for all the Toblerone in Stansted.

Admittedly there are some modern additions to motoring that make being the family taxi and queen of the roadtrip more palatable. But why, oh why, do you feel compelled to mute the sound system when I reverse? Ffs. What IS that all about? There I am enjoying a gleeful musical moment with the nippers, at least one of us rocking some great air guitar (well, not the responsible driver, obvs) and singing at the top of our voices, when it suddenly…stops. Not only does this add to the children’s natural anxiety that mummy might be heard tunelessly banging out a bit of Blondie at the top of her (vocally challenged) voice, but it just, well, spoils the magic of the moment.

What, exactly, do they think is going to happen? That I might turn my head to look behind only to be hit by a wall of sound that blinds me to other cars/trees/pedestrians? Or that the music, left at its rightful volume (loud), might render me deaf to the cries of help from the dear innocent old lady I’ve just carelessly mown down? Or that I could be so busy doing the bloody Macarena that my ability to parallel park may be seriously compromised?

Ffs (again). I reckon it’s a bloke thing. Guys designing for guys. Guys who can’t multitask. And who demand useless bragging rights for shiny but shit bits of ‘essential’ technology they have no idea how to operate. Take the husband, for example. He was thrilled by all the whizzy, so-called clever specifications on his new company car. Pored over the brochure for weeks, excitedly jabbing at the page and insisting I ooh and aah along with him at functionality it had never occurred to him til then (or me, ever) that he might need. The automatic headlight dimmer sent him into paroxysms of joy and took centre stage at many a family debate. But just how long did it take him to get it working? Weeks *she wails*, bloody weeks. And in the meantime, we just flicked the lights on and off. WITH OUR OWN HANDS.

So, please. Stop ruining my fun. All these car ads promising ‘the drive of your life’ and promoting the exhilaration of the open road. I don’t need your bloody high speed broadband connection, or your sunglasses holder, or your goddam automatic headlight dimmer. More often than not I’m dashing from school gate to sports hall, and then to a ballet lesson, football pitch or supermarket. All within a couple of miles of my home. And am usually more concerned whether I have the right number of children in the car at each leg of the journey than whether I can possibly move my finger a few millimetres to flick a stick. Or turn the volume down (if I must). So, if you want to innovate, give me shit that might actually be moderately useful.

How about:

1) An automatic people counter that not only lets you know how many children made it into the car, but also whether you have the right nippers (and whether they’ve all remembered their school bags/sports kit/musical instruments)?

2) Food resistant upholstery that automatically obliterates any crumb, chunk or dribble of in-car nourishment that doesn’t actually make it into the recipient’s mouth, which is usually most of it (‘it’ being a heady assortment of vile food products that all curiously take on the odour of a dog poo rolled in vomit after just a week of in-car putrification)?

3) A noise-cancelling cocoon for the driver so she doesn’t have to hear, respond to or arbitrate the million fraternal altercations that take place in the other seats (and, whilst you’re at it, the ability to deliver a quick electric shock warning current to any given passenger seat would also help here)?

Now those are innovations I’d welcome. Music to my ears.