Censored

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So, it’s not every day you get invited to take tea with the Queen. Yeah, the actual Queen. And, despite my populist leanings, I have to admit to being a bit excited. To think I could be scoffing cucumber sarnies with Liz (who I am convinced must have a pretty decent repertoire of dirty jokes given the sheer volume of boring dinner parties she has to enliven) and romping across the impeccably manicured gardens of Buck Pal (trying to identify the likely spot our future king might have chosen for a crafty teenage smoke) just tickles my fancy. But clearly not that of my youngest…

Oh, each of my offspring displayed their true colours in their respective reactions to the news that daddy and mummy have been invited to a Royal Garden Party. Beefy was open-mouthed with astonishment (“but why YOU mummy?”), whilst Chicken couldn’t wait to exercise full bragging rights (“oooh, I can’t wait to tell my friends”). Not so Pudding. No. An entirely different (and characteristically inexplicable) response from the toddler-cum-teenager: “I am NOT telling my friends. Uurrrgh. No, it’s EMBARRASSING mummy. EMBARRASSING.” *stomps off, slams door* Even recall to her favourite ‘Peppa Meets the Queen’ book couldn’t shift her from her angry diatribe. Nowt so queer as a nearly-four-year-old.

All of which got me thinking about stuff children say. You know, the ‘out of the mouths’ gems that make you laugh, even though you know – as a supposedly responsible adult – you shouldn’t. And my nippers have a lot – I mean, a LOT – to say for themselves.

10 Things I Wish I’d Never Heard My Children Say…

  1. “No mummy, I didn’t wee in the pool. Cos I weed on your back.”
    After mega swim session with buoyant 3-year old. *torn between laughing and crying*
  2. “Nice muffins mummy.”
    Text via iPad, from 8 year old son. Who has just consumed several of my finest banana choc chip offerings. *wrong, just wrong*
  3. “Let’s Marvin Gaye and get it on.”
    Sung to grandparents and the (considerable) assorted family gathering as appropriate post-Christmas dinner entertainment. In full. By sweet-voiced 10 year old daughter. *awkward*
  4. “It’s ok mummy, you’re just tired.”
    Following an abject apology from the mummy who just lost it over something silly. *wise beyond years*
  5. “Mummy, you’re silly.”
    When uttered by small child wearing pants on her head. *fair comment*
  6. “No mummy, I really don’t need a wee before bed. Because I always do one in the bath.”
    The ‘please go to the loo’ debate with a nighttime nappy training three-year-old. “no words*
  7. “Soon I’m going to be a big girl. A big girl who goes to school. I’m going to grow up, and be like Beefy and Chicken, and go to big school – and I’m going to get a hairy bottom.”
    *accompanied by jazz hands flourish*
  8. “Why don’t YOU put the bike away, then YOU can have the chocolate biscuit?”
    When two-year old is asked to put her bike away in return for a biscuit reward. *can’t fault the logic*
  9. “It’s not the size that counts, actually.”
    Uttered by nine-year-old son during competitive debate with his mates over the relative size of their TVs. *so proud*
  10. “I’m not eating my tea because I’m not hungry.”
    But you must be hungry, I say to truculent toddler. “No. Not hungry. Cos I just had a bogey snack.” *gags*

To be fair, I like the honesty as much as anything else. Always the best policy. So, back to the point; perhaps one I could employ at said garden party? “So, Liz, I bet you’re fond of a smutty joke. Tell me the one about the fighter pilot and the prostitute…” Dare me…

Lies

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So, I’ve been thinking about this holiday lark. More specifically, the glorious things we promise ourselves in the pursuit of relaxation nirvana. If you’re anything like me you make a list of all the yummy attributes that will pepper your annual vacation to make it The Best Ever. But (I’ve discovered to my eternal disappointment) it’s all lies. Here’s how:

1) I will get down to x ideal weight by holiday
As long as there is a quick weight loss diet that contains crisps, biscuits and wine

2) I will maintain my ideal weight whilst on holiday
As long as I can keep on consuming crisps, biscuits and wine

3) I will have buckets of relaxed, holiday sex with my husband/partner
Once the children have gone to bed, because I feel particularly horny in a two man tent/sweaty hotel bedroom shared with small people at 1am after three pints of sangria

4) I won’t overdo the sunbathing
Because pale and interesting does it for me. In a bikini

5) I will make sure the children wear hats
Because little people are so compliant with these things on holiday, right? Even though they think nothing of chucking headgear into the nearest patch of cow poo whilst at home

6) I will not eat my own body weight in ice cream. Every night
Because I’ve never been tempted to consider ice cream a whole, more than adequately nutritional, healthy food group of its own

7) I will go for a run every morning before the children are up
Languishing in bed as the children sleep off a night of karaoke/conga excitement when you get half a chance is wholly overrated anyway

8) I will read a range of interesting, intellectual books whilst I’m away
Trashy, easy-to-read chick lit has never been my thing, even when ten minutes at a time is all I get between demands for entertainment or pool poo nappy changes

9) I won’t drink wine *every* night
It’s not like I do it at home, so why would I do it on holiday?!?

10) I will not allow myself to be school-girlishly flattered by waiters/bartenders/blind street beggars
I learned my lesson from Shirley Valentine obvs